Cowgirls N Angels

Cowgirls N Angels. . . I didn't talk to much about being on a movie set last May but now the movie is hitting select theaters. The movie stars Bailee Madison and James (Jamie) Cromwell. It also has Jackson Rathbone from the Twiligth movies. It is about a little girl who is looking for her Dad at the Rodeo and finds a trick riding group and joins it. It's a cute family friendly movie. Of course much of it was COMPLETELY unbelievable when it came to the interactions with the horse, but it's a cute story. It shocked me how many of the actresses didn't even bother learning how to ride a horse with the exception of Bailee~ haha, There were supposed to be these "trick riders" but couldn't even ride a horse without bouncing around like a sac of potatoes. Oh, well. It made me laugh. Instead of working with the horses on their down time they were busy laying around their trailers. I would have utilized my extra time to ride~

I got to spend a lot of time on set. James Cromwell was very friendly and he talked to me and gave me career advise several times. Bailee Madison is 12 going on 20 and is a sweet young lady. They needed someone over 18 to stand in for her while cameras and lighting were being set up and that is where I fit in perfectly. I worked very close with the Director and he was seriously one of the nicest guys I have met. I wasn't just behind the scenes all the time. I am in the background in several scenes and my feet & hands are 'almost famous' since I was used for a few insert shots. I was on set long hours and I was not catered to like the "actresses" but it was one of the most interesting, exhausting and fun months of my life :) I braided paracord bracelets for just about every crew member including Bailee~ I made a lot of friends and met some pretty cool & famous people!

James Cromwell who preferred to go by "Jamie" so here we are "Big Jamie" and "Little Jamie"
He is 6'7". . .I am just under 5'

Bailee Madison and me. ..this pic was taken after a very LONG day on set. 

 It is interesting when I look at my bucket list and one of my list items is to be in a movie . . .well, technically it is listed as a being in a 'blockbuster hit' and preferably in FRONT of the camera more. haha! Well I am a little closer than I was before. 

The movie is being released in select theaters. . .so if it comes to your theaters go watch it :)

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BUG HUG

The first "BUG HUG" bag is starting to come together. I have the first duffel bag ordered which will be pink/black with "BUG HUG" embroidered on it :) I will be starting a blanket/quilt this week for it. I have recieved a $50 donation to help purchase items to put in the bag. I am hoping this bag will be the first of many more to come. Since it is Pink it will be a bag for a woman/female however, I can get the identicle bag in blue/black so those will be designated "Mens/Male" bags. I could really use more donations to help finish this bag up. I will be taking it to UPMC transplant center and leaving it in the care of the transplant coordinators to designate a patient who would benifit from it. Eventually I would love to get at least one bag out to several tx centers. There are times I feel like this project may never get off and running but I know there is a need for it among transplant patients and I KNOW how much the little things helped me during my recovery esspecially since I was so far from home and family. This first bag might be 'empty' compared to what I imagine I would like to have in them but I have hope that eventually "BUG HUG" bags will be filled with all my expectations!

If you haven't already checked out my Bug Hug website please do :) jamiebug.com

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Mothers Day. . .again.

Mothers Day. . .this is one "holiday" that I am really torn about. On one hand it is a day to celebrate 2 very special women in my life. My mother who is an amazing woman and through her talents and examples I was shaped into the woman I am today. AND My mother in law who is one of my biggest supporters and shows me love and compassion.

What tears me up about this holiday is how terrible I feel every year. I am not a mother. I will probably never be a mother. I cannot give Bryan the opportunity to be a father. I get sick of hearing "how great it is to be a mother" and that "there is no higher calling". It is for this reason I do not like to attend church on mother's day. It doesn't make me uplifted, in fact I usually feel worse. I don't want anyone to feel "bad" for me or think I harbor ill feelings, unless a woman is living the fact they are unable to have children of their own they cannot possibly begin to understand. I had to deal with the fact I felt "broken" many years ago.

Does not having children of my own make me less of  a woman? NO. I don't feel that way, however I do feel a lot of other things. I feel like each of our lives are very different. Motherhood might be "blissful and rewarding" as some women might describe it, but the truth is that it's difficult and stressful too. My life has been filled with more blessings that I can count. I am grateful for that and I would never change a thing about the trials in my life. That said, it still leaves me with a void. Every woman would feel the same way I do. We are created to want children. So because of that I feel incomplete. I look at the wonderful man Bryan is & I see how great he is around kids and I can't help but feel a little loss that he may never be a "dad".

What really gets under my skin is when I hear women who have had kids complain about their less than perfect breasts, body, hips, stretch marks, weight, etc. from child bearing. . . and that they need fixed cuz they are not perfect since they had kids.  If that is what I have to sacrifice to bring a life into this world that is a part of me & Bryan then I say it's a pretty small trade off. Maybe they would rather have perky breasts, tight stomachs and no stretch marks than to have their family? I don't think they would.  Keeping life in perspective is so very important.  I have a 17" scar across my chest, I have scars all over my body from tubes and surgeries. I have a scar in my throat from the Trachea Ventilator that the whole world can see when they look at me. I have a permanent port-a-cath on my chest that sports not only a bump but also a nice scar. . .would I change having my new lungs or my health for no scars, no I would never dream of it. Would I ever want to change or complain about those things that tell my story. . .no, I would never dream of it.

 Finding the joy in life despite our trials is the key to happiness. Many times I am thankful that I get Bryan all to myself. I love that we can go anywhere anytime and be together. I love that we have no stress from kids in our home. Even though I can find a thousand reasons I love my life with Bryan they still never completely fill the void a woman has when she cannot have children. I don't dwell on it, but it is always there. . .and once a year the wound is reopened and I hurt more than the other 364 days. So although I enjoy Mother's Day as a day I can reflect on what wonderful mothers I have in my life. . .it's also my least favorite day of the year.

 So to all of us who cannot or do not have children today I rename it "Celebrate Women Day" lol. I celebrate the awesome women I have in my life including my absolute awesome Grandma whom is one of my closest friends and has always been an example of serving others, and my mother who shared her love of others and of horses with me, and my mother-in-law who knows just how to make me feel loved and important. These 3 women all deserve to be celebrated.

 Until some day when perhaps I will be a "mother" I just want other un-mothers to know that there is always someone who understands how you feel. I may not be a mother, but I think I'm a pretty awesome wife, a sweet daughter, a great sister and the "cool aunt" and those are all reasons to celebrate.    

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Idaho May 2012

I just had a really great weekend! Unfortunately it wasn't all good news. We had to throw our weekend bags together, load up the car and get Bella's things together so we could drive 20 straight hours to Idaho. We drove all night Friday night and most of Saturday on our way to Idaho. Bryan got the call Thursday night that his Grandpa Jones had passed into the next life. Grandpa Jones was 88 yrs old. and lived an amazing and fulfilling life. I enjoyed listening to his life sketch at his "Celebration of Life". I don't care for the word "funeral" I think a celebration of life is more appropriate and fitting.

We arrived in Idaho Saturday and from that moment on our weekend seemed a blur. The beautiful snow capped mountains and the fresh country air just about brought me to tears, maybe one or two escaped the corner of my eyes. No matter how long or how far away from "HOME" I am, going home is just a little slice of heaven. When we arrived at my sister's house I was greated by a HUGE smile on my niece's face as she ran towards me and jumped into a hug. She is getting so big and I realized how much I miss living so far away. Bodi is such a doll and despite coming down the stairs after removing his stinky diaper, he was dirty and it was obvious he was upset that he could not clean himself up with wet wipes. . .he is so much like I was when I was his age. I HATED being dirty and I was very particular.

We didn't arrive in Idaho until noon or later on Saturday, and despite only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep Bryan took me to the Second Chance Prom that the local radio station hosts every year. My sister borrowed me a beautiful dress and did my hair and the four of us enjoyed laughing all night and dancing until my feet terribly. Memories like these are worth more than money can buy.

 Bryan's family has grown by several new nieces and nephews and Bryan had 2 years worth of catching up to do. We hope to never let that much time pass again before we are both home. I cannot emotionally stay away from home that long. It had been 8 months since I was home last and that was too long for me! I only had 3 days to spend with family and I fortunately got 2 rides in with Pixydust! She was beautiful and I savored every minute of it.

 

The rides were short and sweet since I had to sort of sneak them in between family gatherings and the arrangements for Bryan's Grandpa. But I'll take 2 short rides and quick visits with loved ones. . .it was all worth the 40+ hours of driving. 

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